Ineffable Ontological Detanglement > Negative Experience

Isolation basically leaves you two options: Become socially psychologically destroyed and way even deeper than that psychologically destroyed or become socially psychologically super powered and otherwise not so much more of a mental strength imprint than any other negative experience, however generally it is prolonged, so, you're building up quite a lot of strength. It's a really good mental strength imprint, however, it has darkly superior in it. To survive isolation you generally need schizoid and or sociopath, obviously the winner is deep emotional repression and processing dysregulation. Now social engagement rejection don't so much bother you, you're never going to make an embarrassing scene over somebody disliking you. You're not going to be caught doing the reach for friends and looking pathetic, you'll just let them come to you and you're all cool and casual and impressive. But, no matter how well compartmentalized, you're always deeply horrified of the potential deep emotional isolation from those you love. Generally this is impossible, generally if this happens it will only ever happen accidentally, but, if it happens accidentally you know forever this is somebody you will never be able to love again. They trigger the feelings of isolation. No, if it's properly compartmentalized that does not mean pure warm coddle me at all times never once make a mistake, no, it has to be a pretty severe mistake.

With my parents I established the isolation very early on. It seems they wish to be in their own little world of "We don't have a dysfunctional family like the ones we came from due to the strength of our parenting." So I just leave them alone and let them think they're doing anything, however they teach me absolutely nothing I automatically see how all of this advice will end up being harmful or magically mysteriously turning me into some other person that more closely resembles the inferior them, it all rings of psychotically frightened of life keep it safe and entirely ignorant to the nature of all people whether or not they trigger the feelings of psychotic paranoia, all they do is make decisions to force happiness that always ruin my happiness and take control of situations in order to demonstrate they're oblivious idiots with no handle on how to do anything at all that once almost ended on my death. It was putting me in an alone tent when I was three camping in Jasper because I guess they wanted to fuck on a mountain, I got bronchitis, permanent tissue scaring, and now whenever I cough it sounds like I'm near death, however I can still inhale mass quantities of smoke without any issue whatsoever. The near death cough is not painful it's actually quite satisfying. They were constantly trying to reassure themselves they were horrible parents, I kept giving them basically "It's fine nobody died." I sensed in this moment, semi-consciously very nearly fully consciously that they were thinking "Oh woe is me what fate hath mysteriously befallen us." I could feel that any attempts to engage with real feelings would end on them in their own little world of my own personal crying darkness as they say "It's OKAY, you can still love us you evil child. Jesus." So I just knew in this moment, you don't be emotionally honest with this type of people. I guess some people just do that. You just put up an emotional wall at them and don't feed them anything.

Only child, all I have is my parents. They seem a little... semi-consciously upset with me when I wish to engage with the outside. I have to cut it off, I have to cut them out of all feelings. I know I either have the full love for my parents and be a Branch Davidians baby, every now and then... Getting a look... At little... Moments... Of leak... Blatant displays of their deep Satanic cult of the self psychotic thinking. I have this or I have isolation.

Before school age, I would only ever play with girls, girls are soft and warm and flowers and their annoying problems annoy me less than the boys annoying problems. Usually. Not always. I'm not soft and warm and flowers, I'm pretty typical masculine, but, I strongly dislike how the seemingly typical masculine seems to be presenting itself within the children of this age group. Eventually, I met my perfect man love match, Caylin Shirran, I had the best friend I've been wanting my entire life and he became my deep obsession, as I him. We're the similar type of masculine sub feminine, we're not feminine but we embrace aspects of feminine behaviours that properly compliment our masculine. YES, father yes I did cry once because Caylin Shirran couldn't come over to play, that was probably the weirdest thing you ever saw in your life, wasn't it? When Caylin Shirran is over I am in the beautiful world of friends with Caylin Shirran, when he isn't I know I live with you people. He came from the military school, it was about to close down, he introduced me to a lot of very fun military kid evil thinking. However when the school did close down and all of his other friends came over to our school, I got to meet his former best friend who was still kind of reaching for Caylin's best friend-ness and Caylin sorta kinda had to give it to him sometimes a little but not really and we knew we didn't really get to acknowledge this but we both had this acknowledged, that other kid is too stupid to understand it anyway. That other kid, however, introduced me to the military kid psychological torment game of every time you want to get anywhere near them to play with them they run away from you and isolate you. Take my best friend and isolate him from me. At the time this was the most confusing possible out of this world break of everything human interaction is supposed to be, I didn't know what to do with it. This isn't how reality is supposed to operate, this isn't a thing that happens within the world of real people. But, now, basically all I can think towards it is "Oh that's a good isolation." You're not SUPPOSED to, though, you're not SUPPOSED to just go unleashing this kind of pure evil militaristic psychological torment upon the civilians. This is meant to be contained within you people, but, I'm glad you did it. You little weasel. You didn't even use it right, you used it sad. It's supposed to be lose yourself into the unit or else, it isn't supposed to be become acceptable to me socially or else.

So, grade three through the first part of grade nine I was basically stuck in a group of friends I hated, they were constantly tormenting me, the only one I truly liked was Caylin Shirran. However eventually when I would get some of them alone they all pretty much turned into people I liked, except for one of them, but nobody liked that one. But he thought he could have my alone like, just casual moments of now we're alone together we understand I get your like, no you don't get my like go away. In Middle School I was going to be done with this, I'm finding new friends, however for whatever reason I took the option Caylin's best friend gave me of sitting down at their lunch table. All friendly like. For whatever reason I was still hanging around with them after Caylin Shirran's childhood betrayal just before he moved away. I guess, reaching out to find new friends... Seems. Hard. Something is telling me it feels like a sad looking thing to do. I appeared to have a few potential ins, I was always entranced by the stoner kids and I've been close with one of them ever since the beginning of elementary school, I don't think I would fit in... I'd have to change. Changing feels like a sad looking thing to do. I would most certainly be giggled at if I started dressing like stoner.

When asking them why you do this kind of thing to me the response was "We're toughening you up, turning you into a man. You don't seem to be all that interested in doing rough kid man stuff. You'd rather do other stuff. We think you hate and are afraid of rough kid man stuff even though it's actually just you're kind of bored of rough kid man stuff. We're going to make you see the only obvious way, you will become a man, you will like rough kid man stuff." Okay, well, you did man me up, but, no, it still isn't that I'm still not that. I do now enjoy fighting, as I kind of a little bit did back then as well but a lot more now, but, I don't do it like rough kid man stuff I do it different.

They would keep using the isolation techniques taught to them by the military kids, even though only one of the military kids remained, the one who first proposed the idea, Caylin's former best friend. Who at this point isn't even really that bad I still kinda hate him but I've seen worse. Run away from whoever does not conform to rough kid man stuff. Most often it was me. At this point it was entirely a game of giggling absurdity to ever do this. Well, okay, I don't want to hang out with you guys anyway. You doing this isn't going to make me reach for your friendship, quite the opposite. It's just... I don't want to be seen as alone. I don't want to be seen by the other kids as the kid who just got rejected and is now sitting there sad and alone. When I chase you it don't look so good. Looks like I want to be around you looks like I'm whimpering for you. So. I guess I'll just wander off school grounds somewhere. Alone. Isolated.

The other kids at school, every now and then one of the other kids would be all "Oh this one of the ones we make fun of, weird social goober we mock." however the other kids in the class were always all "No we don't really get this one." and even the kids who were doing this to me were all "No, he doesn't have any weird social goober to mock, you're just making shit up, we just seem to be isolating him for some reason." Eventually it became two little idiots in the first couple of months of high school who just frantically met my wall of deep emotional repression and processing dysregulation in a state of pure bliss over finally finding one of the ones they get to declare themselves upon thinking they look so cool to everyone who I believe was observing them from a similar state of mind as I was, I just let them make their really really really out of this world stupid off-jokes like making up for some reason that I spelled my own last name wrong when I obviously did not maybe you don't know how to spell my last name maybe you just found your own inner creativity.

Eventually one of the "Stupid parents" moments actually worked out for me, I was forced to move to Brandon where I could eventually attain reasonably high popularity amongst the high social nerd drama nerd aspects of the unpopular majority, I got to speak to the stoners, I was reasonably well respected amongst those in the popular minority who actually had their head on straight and were capable of communicating on the level of makes any sense to anybody. Before moving I didn't tell the rough kids anything about me moving or anybody in my high school anything about me moving until the day before I did it, the plan was to just disappear but it came out to the rough kids. Unfortunately it never came out to poor little Jessica who I then emotionally isolated with my sociopath and deep emotional repression and processing dysregulation, we were clearly falling in like love and then on my last day we had a find ourselves walking home together moment where it clearly seemed to be becoming very much like love, she's clearly like loved me since the moment I started speaking to her in grade six and we often found ourselves in a complimentary position between her toxic feminine group and my toxic masculine group often battling each other for seemingly no reason. I just let her walk into her house as if it was a normal day we just had a beautiful little love moment conversation knowing that the next day I will be gone. All I had to think about it was "Hm. Pretty. Sorry Jessica." I gave you my thing Jessica. Not sorry Jessica. I didn't want to do that to you, you got caught in the crossfire. In this moment, it felt too late, I'm going to let you stay in your happy little love dream world for one more day. I think that's how it felt. I'm a sociopath.

Then in university I isolated myself dramatically for the first year, went a little agoraphobic. The rest of university basically kinda isolated, these people are not what I hoped they would be, I thought this was where these people figure it out, they did not, I retain friendship outside of my classmates. I'm sure quite a few of them would be just fine, but, nope, still don't get my level, oh well. Some of them are probably pretty damn close. Meh.

Then my parents trapped me within a system of isolation, legally remove me from my life. Take away my twenties and thirties. If I wish to retain my life, go out and hang out with friends... I would be required to witness their "Okay, we can get through this." process. The deep darkness that falls over them, sometimes my mother may start crying. I know for the next five hours after I have left the house they are going through their psychological preparedness and management protocol, step by step, figuring out how they're going to get through this. As my father stares into the horizon contemplating the deeply serious threatening darkness that is life. The majesty of himself in this moment and the majesty of himself staring into the horizon. Eventually they relocated us to Steinbach and cut off any and all access to my social life, or at least the in the same room as each other aspects of my social life, removed my ability to take a bus anywhere. Luckily I have strong legs, I can just walk for an hour if that's what I need to do.

With Britney Stravitz I was emotionally isolating her a little inside of me by thinking Aria Wellington may actually be my favourite, then she died thinking she was my favourite, Aria Wellington would always look away from me in bed afterwards and it was driving me emotionally blitzballs, then Aria Wellington borderline'd me hard right after Britney Stravitz died, then I found my perfect could never hurt me in any way that I dislike Aria Wellington and Michael Stratsberg semi-admits his evil semi-conscious plan to destroy all comfortable love and happiness for me forever and trap me within the eternal isolation from any and all. We agreed he was the man to raise my children with Aria Wellington after my inevitable death, he was working on something that he was afraid he was planning to release AFTER my death, which he was fully consciously aware meant "Some of me MORE, some of me BETTER, some of me OVER" but unaware this means "Parts of your love belong only to me and Kit Carruthers can never have them. We have dark evil secrets together, the dark evil shadow looking down on him, we have long conversations about all of the things that make you better than Kit Carruthers and all of the things I hate about Kit Carruthers that I'm so happy I have you to resolve. In some ways I'm glad he's dead, because now I have you. In some ways." We declare that move a little ego invested, Michael Stratsberg. You still had problems. Luckily all of my soul mates came to my rescue and declared with a screeching we love Kit Carruthers resolve after that move Michael Stratsberg is somebody nobody can trust with love, he is to be forever isolated. Any semblance of ego investment in a circle of comfortable casual free love introduces a bit of a nightmare, we can't do it with you. Maybe you felt like the right choice because Aria Wellington is going to require somebody to emotionally abuse.