Ineffable Ontological Detanglement

Do not develop the philosophies that raped as a child leaves you off the hook for your behaviour. This is not a gift you have been given, the gift of everybody feeling sorry for you so you get to remain the same age as you were when you were raped with the same level of angry lashing passive aggressive immaturity and we have to like you anyway. You're requesting feel sorry for me humanistic dehumanization. That's the kind of thing only a child would want, my entire life is a feel sorry me.

You can see this mindset self destruct hard in my mother. Before she uncovered her repressed memories of repeated rape, she would torment me with an aggressive air of you know you're not allowed to say anything about what I'm doing to you because nothing is being clearly stated... Bath time was a screeching crying aggressive assault, don't worry I scanned very hard for repressed memories of anything in and around the anal or penile areas with the expectation of finding them and she is clean. At the age of four, I walked in on her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying, stomping back and forth on the couch, she demon banshee screams at me and throws a pillow, I run away to my room. I entered a state of detachment at my mother, in this moment it was a strong "This is just some woman who birthed me I don't care," that went away pretty quickly however the state of detachment towards my mother remained forever. Once she uncovered the memories, she snapped, she entered... My son knows I can do no wrong my son knows he loves me the dearest everyone knows they are to be kind and gentle to me if they wish to receive my declaration as a person who functions properly emotionally, I'm sad and innocent and confused in an evil evil world of hurt, I do absolutely nothing to hurt the world I'm warm and gentle and soft and motherly.

Oh yes yes and my little story. Age seven I was dragged into the girls bathroom at school by my babysitter and her friend. I thought my head was going in the toilet, I was mostly relieved all they wanted to do was de-pants me and touch my penis. It still shocked me more than the toilet thing, mostly because I wasn't expecting it, partially because I didn't know people would do that exactly but I basically understood what they were after. I knew my mother's story, I just didn't know it went like this exactly. I didn't not know it but I didn't know it. I was pretty attracted to her anyway it didn't really hurt my emotions too bad. Trust, yes, kind of, however I was already developing a pretty big fat detachment and comfortable non-caring lack of trust towards the entire world. The memory got semi-repressed, not really, I got it back pretty quickly and I realized after I got the full scope of it back oh I have sort of been looking at this memory for the past couple years, it wasn't completely gone. Not like that other one.